Before we get to the madness, I’m obligated per Big Jeff’s request to tell you that Michael Phelps is now 5-5 in Gold Medal attempts. The Girls Gymnastics did better than the Men scoring a silver, losing to China who was using 8 year olds on their team.
On to the Sox.
So I was playing Madden when I got an instant message that said “Papi’s has 2, 3 run homers in the first inning, the Sox are up 10-0.”
I texted back, “If the Sox lose this, I’m turning in my Nation Card.” Before you jump on me, I don’t have one of those gay-ass cards, and there’s no way I would ever pay for that bullshit. Just saying that if the team blows this kind of lead and loses, I’ll be fucking pissed.
So Madden, froze again (full of bugs, a huge disappointment) and I shut it off in time to see the Sox immediately give up two runs and then get them back in the bottom of the third. You could sense that this was going to be a long night and no lead was safe.
So when the Sox gave up the lead and no one out of the fucking bullpen could pitch to save their fucking soul I started to get pissed. Pissed was an understatement. I was ready to call the fucking season. How on Earth can you consider yourselves a fucking playoff team when you can’t even beat a lowly American League West cupcake, that has NO FUCKING PITCHING?!?
Dear Theo,
Hey, great job ridding yourself of the burden that was Manny. Glad your headache is gone and his shitty attitude went with him. I’d like to take a moment to tell you how happy I am that you addressed other needs at the deadline as well. You have a bullpen that can’t hold a fucking lead, let alone hold the starters’ fucking jocks, so good thing you got some help. Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. Just like last year when you got Gagne and didn’t get Dye from the White Sox. Thinking one move is enough? Dye would have been a huge help! I hope you sleep well at night in your fucking mansion, and feel good cashing those huge fucking checks from the Red Sox. Get a fucking clue! Stop holding on to every one of your prospects like they’re your own fucking kids. Buchholz and Ellsbury for Santana? Looking pretty fucking good now isn’t it? Next time you’re up my way, stop by and I’ll serve you a giant shit burger. Assholeface ™ (™ DaGuy Inc.).
-Jay
Seriously, Paul Byrd. You think he’s the fucking answer to your problems? How about not giving Curt the Skirt $8M to do commercials and be a fucking mouthpiece. Maybe take that $8M and solidify your bullpen a little? Just thinking out loud.
So needless to say the Sox blew the lead. I texted a few friends asking if a montage of Sox images played to taps was too soon. Everyone said it was too early and not to give up. Then Da Guy called it. “D-Ped will come through in the clutch. No worries.” Sure enough Pedroia hits one to left center and Jacoby, who is the fastest Red Sox I’ve seen, scores from first. Holy shit. You mean this roller coaster isn’t done yet? Ugh, what’s next?
Well, with Pedroia on second they intentionally walked Ortiz. So Youk steps up. Now Youk struck out twice in the first, then hit a huge blast in the 5th after a stupid fucking fan (Pink Hat probably) reached over the wall and took a home run away from Ortiz. Look stupid, you have to have watched enough fucking baseball to know, you don’t fucking reach over. Ever. Good thing Youk bailed the fan out, and good thing security escorted that fucktard out of the park.
Anyway, Youk steps up with Ortiz at first and Dusty on second. I say to Da Guy, “What happens now? Home run off the Volvo sign?” Well, it was off the Sports Authority sign, but a three run shot all the same. Are you kidding me? This is fucking ridiculous.
Papelmania came in and worked the ninth giving up an unearned run on a Youk error that allowed Marlon Byrd to reach. Byrd was 5-5 when he stepped in and would have been 6-6 if it was a clean hit. Wow. Paps closes the door, Sox win 19-17.
On a side note, I hate the John Kerry commercial. Don’t mix the Sox with politics. It’s fucking dumb. Why does this Frankenstein looking fuck run ads anyway? You have a “D” next to you name in Massachusetts, you won. Don’t need to advertise.
Nothing would make me happier than seeing John Lester take the hill tonight and pitch a 3 hit shutout. Slugfests are awesome if you’re interested in just fantasy stats, but they’re exhausting for the team and the fans. A nice two hour game would be great tonight. Get everyone out at a decent hour and more importantly get me to bed before 12:30.
Madden has frozen on me a few times already too. But I’m pretty excited that John Lynch may be updated to the Pats roster pretty soon. 2 of the hardest hitters in the game playing in our secondary might not be a bad thing.